


What You Desire | What You Deserve

by kate7h



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: F/M, Jellal's POV, Pre-Dai Matou Enbu | Grand Magic Games Arc, The almost-kiss scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 00:46:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11325171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate7h/pseuds/kate7h
Summary: "I don't see the old Jellal before me! He was full of life, and would never give up without a fight!"It had been so long since he'd been that person, he was barely certain that child existed in more than memories. It was certainly not the person he was today. "Maybe he's dead now…"Erza nearly snarled in her righteous anger. Her hands moved from his shoulders to his collar and she yanked him to his feet."Why you-!" She growled through her gritted teeth."Erza…"And then they were falling.





	What You Desire | What You Deserve

Jellal didn't know why he was speaking so freely. It was as if his tongue had previously been weighed down, but being in Erza's presence once more had lifted that weight, and he couldn't help but vomit the truth. Maybe it was because these had been the dark and tragic thoughts on his mind that he knew would be painful… or annoying... to Ultear and Meredy. It was useless to speak to them of such things. 

No, these were words he wouldn't have thought speaking to any other person but Erza. 

Being near her once more, it was a roller coaster of emotions he was barely able to conceal. It was the most elated he'd been since before he could remember, and it was simultaneously the most self-loathing he'd felt in a while. She reminded him of that perfectly brilliant light which she carried within, pleasurable to behold, and tragically contrasting the darkness he saw within himself. It made everything he'd done up to that point feel so… pointless. After seven long years of fighting the darkness, trying to atone and gain back that light he knew he had once had… he was still stained by it. His hands felt dirty as he clutched them together in his lap. There was nothing he had done which felt like he had been cleansed in the slightest. 

"Perhaps it would be best if I did die…" he muttered, letting the self-pity and despair control his words. 

And then she struck him. The sharp pain startled him for a moment, but really he should have seen it coming. If he'd heard something like that from Erza, he wouldn't be very happy either. Not that she would say that. Her lot was light and life. Death for her was a tragedy, not a release. 

"You'd be satisfied with the coward's way out?!" Erza exclaimed, her sense of strength and justice seeping out of her, even as he looked away, his eyes narrowed and hard at nothing. 

"I'm not as strong as you," he replied as if it were an excuse. "I'm…"

"You think you need to be strong in order to live?"

That is the very definition of life, Erza. It's harsh and it's full of heartache and disappointment. The only way to live is through strength of heart. And he was feeling very weak. 

"You're wrong!" She continued, as if she could hear his thoughts. "Life itself is what gives us strength!"

He didn't reply, keeping his glare down from her fiery stare. 

She gripped his shoulders, and for a moment he thought she was going to literally shake him. "I don't see the old Jellal before me! He was full of life, and would never give up without a fight!"

It had been so long since he'd been that person, he was barely certain that child existed in more than memories. It was certainly not the person he was today. He turned his face to her, but kept his eyes down. He could feel his shame and self-loathing radiate out from him, and Erza could most certainly feel it too. "Maybe he's dead now…"

Erza nearly snarled in her righteous anger. Her hands moved from his shoulders to his collar and she yanked him to his feet. 

"Why you-!" She growled through her gritted teeth. 

He could barely look her in the eye, even as she held him there. His eyes shut, and he nearly coward away from her as she pulled him close to her raging eyes. "Erza…"

And then they were falling, to both their surprise. 

Painfully, they rolled down the dirt hill together, Erza continuing to grip his collar. He shut his eyes, unable to think fast enough to stop their descent. 

When they did finally stop, he was on his hands and knees… with Erza lying beneath him. His eyes opened wide as he gaped at her. And she gaped right back. All the anger had gone from her as had his weak bitterness. It was as if the awkward tumble had stripped them of the argument. 

She lay right before him, her eyes catching the dazzling lights surrounding them. In her eyes was amazement as a blush spread across her cheeks. She was so beautiful… so incredibly beautiful he forgot himself and just stared, unable to tear his eyes away from the stunning woman accidentally pinned beneath him. He wasn't even sure if he could breathe. 

At that moment, he knew he wanted to be everything she saw in him. He needed it, wanted it because she was so full of that light. It was impossible to escape his own desire for her. Now, he felt it inside his heart, the desire for light… and love. A day ago, he would have never imagined he'd feel so raw and so alive. 

His eyes softened from his startlement, looking down at the woman who constantly turned his world upside down. "You always know what to say… don't you?"

A smile graced her lips. "That's not true at all," she replied, a breathless chuckle in her voice. "I just stumble through life one day at a time… that's all."

"Erza," he spoke, not knowing how else to respond, save for her name, which rang with her glory and light. 

Slowly, she moved her hand up to her eyes, shielding them from his gaze. "I… never thought I'd see you again…" there was a quiver to her voice and her chin trembled, tears falling from her covered eyes. 

He watched them fall down her cheek and past her lips… he felt ready to burst and all he wanted was to be closer to her. She'd  _ wanted  _ to see him again, and so he wanted to never leave her side again. He would give her the world. Anything and everything. 

Slowly, hesitantly, she reached up and grasped his face between her hands. She was  _ so _ close… and Jellal wanted nothing more than to close that distance, and press his lips to hers. 

"Jellal…" her voice was barely more than a whisper as she spoke his name. He could hear the unspoken request, feel it. After so long struggling with these years and feelings, to kiss her, to confirm what both of them already knew. He wanted it more than he could ever comprehend.

Tears flowed down her face again. Almost instinctively, Jellal lifted a hand to her skin, wiping away the stream of water. Her face was so soft, so warm to his touch… he couldn't let go if he wanted to.  _ Closer...closer… _

He tilted his wrist, lifting her face closer to his, and she willingly followed, continued with a small smile on her lips. He moved closer as well, slowly closing the gap between them, and his heart raced. He was so full of the immense love he had for her, so full that his heart felt heavy, pulling him down to her. Time seemed to stand still, as if there were miles to go before he could press his lips to hers. 

_ You don't deserve this _ , a voice from within him snarled.  _ All the death and misery you've caused, you think you deserve her? _

He knew he didn't. In the moment his mind had been solely on her, but the reminder was like a punch to the stomach. He didn't deserve her. 

Even as she sat up, slowly coming closer to him with a smile on her face, he could imagine where he touched her was growing dark with his taint. His hands were covered in blood; he was staining her and her wonderful light for his own desire. He desired her, and it sickened him. 

_ Simon will never experience this, _ the voice continued.  _ So many lives will never have what you're desiring… because of what you did.  _

He knew, and yet he desired her all the same. His stomach churned with disgust. 

And yet, she smiled, and he didn't let go. He moved to her as she did to him. 

_ You've deprived Simon of this. You knew he loved her too… _

He could feel her breath against his lips, her warmth surrounding him. 

_ You're disgusting. _

At last, his lips met hers in a soft, timid kiss. But his elation was gone, marred by the truths circling around his mind. He wanted to melt into her, bathe in her radiance, bask in her glory, and to never let this wonderful moment escape them. He'd  _ wanted _ this for so long! But cold spread through him instead. He had told himself he wanted to give her this, but in truth… he was merely taking what he wanted for himself. 

_ You will never deserve this.  _

Overcome with the self-loathing anew, he pushed her back, severing their muted kiss. He shut his eyes and turned away, fearing the hurt on her face. 

She'd wanted this too. He knew… she felt as he did. She'd been practically glowing with joy. She deserved that joy, that love… she deserved someone not bathed in the blood of her friends. 

But she loved him. He had trapped her once again.  _ I'm so sorry, Erza. I don't deserve to love you. _

"I can't…" he said after the silence had felt like an eternity. Still he couldn't look her in the eye.  _ What a useless fool I am… _ "I have a fiancée…"  _ Utterly pathetic.  _

He regretted the words as they left his mouth. What a ridiculous and blatant lie. But it was the first thing he could think of to let her move on, and cause her the least amount of pain… hopefully. 

She suddenly pushed him away, and he gasped in surprise at the movement. Still, he couldn't face her. He let his head droop as he grasped his shoes. 

"Oh-" Ezra said frantically. "I didn't mean to make you think that I- er we should- you know… uh…"

"No! I- I'm the one who should… sorry…" Really, if he could just die of embarrassment that instant, it would be a relief to say the least. 

Erza blew out a breath, "A fiancée! That's a surprise! Well congratulations! That's great! Mmhmm, I'm really happy for you…" 

She sounded very much the opposite of that. If he was a bad liar, than she was worse.  _ Please just let me die… _

He kept his eyes down, his face tomato red, he was sure. The whole situation couldn't have been going worse than it was currently.  _ I'm sorry I'm such a fool, Erza.  _

"Do you love her?" Erza asked, her voice so incredibly gentle. 

His eyes widened, his heart filled with that warmth once more. Even though she asked it of a fictional fiancée, the one woman he did love was sitting in front of him… and she definitely wasn't engaged to him. 

_ Do I love you, Erza? _

"Yes," he replied firmly, honestly. Even though it was under a guise, it was a relief to admit aloud to her. 

"Then live… for her sake," Erza continued softly. 

Jellal felt a smile spread across his face. It lightened his heart a little. The past six years since he'd regained his memory it had been difficult to find a reason to continue on fighting, and there wasn't a reason to stop either. But for Erza… that was reason enough. 

"I can do that."

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~! So I first watched the anime dubbed, so when I was writing this I wasn't sure of which dialogues to use... so I studied the scene in the manga, subbed, and dubbed to get the best combination. I hope it wasn't annoying to anyone. Thanks for reading!


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